What Nobody Tells You About Grief and Loss

Key Takeaways

Grief is a unique and often unpredictable process with no set timeline.
Seeking support from understanding individuals is crucial for healing from loss.
Meaning after loss is created personally, not found within the event itself.
Practical support and authentic presence are more helpful to grievers than platitudes.
Anger and guilt are normal expressions of pain within the grieving process.

Mel Robbins introduced David Kessler, a grief expert, for an episode on navigating loss.
Kessler suggests that loss, while a subtraction, can ultimately lead to a fuller and richer life through addition.
The host noted that grief expands an individual's capacity for both pain and joy.

The discussion covered 'practical grievers' who are action-oriented and tend to move on quickly after mourning activities, potentially without fully processing their grief.
David Kessler clarified that practical grievers are not unfeeling but often have a pragmatic approach to loss, and differing styles can lead to misunderstandings.
Listeners are advised to seek support from individuals who understand their grief, rather than expecting it from those who cannot provide it, likening it to not seeking milk at a hardware store.
External judgment, even from loved ones, is highlighted as a factor that can hinder the healing process.

The host and guest addressed the common pressure to 'move on' after a loss, emphasizing that advice from those who have not experienced similar grief may not be helpful.
Listeners are advised to trust their individual process and not impose a timeline on their grief.
It was noted that grief is unique to each individual, with some people seeking support as late as five years after a loss.

Grief expert David Kessler explained that grief is unpredictable and can manifest unexpectedly, citing a bereaved spouse's anger upon returning home as a manifestation of loss.
He used the metaphor of being 'half a pair of scissors' to describe the feeling of loss after a spouse dies, and critiqued 'toxic positivity' in supporting grievers.
Kessler shared an anecdote about a tradition in Australian villages where communities make changes to homes or yards after a death, symbolizing that 'everything has changed' for the grieving family.

David Kessler challenged the notion that letting go of sadness implies losing connection to the deceased, stating that releasing pain allows love to remain.
He emphasized that all grief is significant and that comparing losses is unhelpful, explaining that people often mistake grief for a fixed pie where one person's loss diminishes another's.
Kessler asserted that everyone's grief is the 'worst for them,' highlighting that there is ample room for all losses without comparison, especially in support groups.

David Kessler clarified that meaning is not found in a tragic event itself, but is revealed 'after we excavate the pain.'
He stated that loss is an event, not a test or a lesson, and meaning is what individuals create for themselves once the pain subsides; acceptance of a new reality is key.
Kessler explained that meaning can be found in the lost person's life, the circumstances of their death, and in one's own life moving forward, including simple moments, rituals, contributions, and deepening connections.

The guest explained that anger during grief is an expression of pain, noting that others may distance themselves, failing to realize the grieving person is in significant pain and needs support.
Healthy ways to express anger during grief include hitting a pillow, screaming in a car, or engaging in exercise.
Grief yoga, a practice focused on releasing stuck emotions, was also mentioned as a method for emotional movement.

To support someone grieving, the advice is to 'show up' at significant intervals like three days, three weeks, and three months, offering practical help such as food, running errands, or handling childcare.
Commonly unhelpful phrases include 'at least there's a reason for this' or 'they're in a better place,' with the host and guest suggesting focusing on offering presence, such as saying 'I'm here with you.'
David Kessler introduced the concept of a 'living amends contract,' a practice for addressing unresolved feelings or apologies to a person who is no longer alive.

A listener, Aaliyah, shared her experience with anticipatory grief as her father declines with ALS, which David Kessler validated as real and painful, emphasizing the importance of grieving each moment and supporting caregivers.
Kessler advised showing up for friends dealing with illness by offering practical help like meals or a break, stressing that anticipatory grief needs to be witnessed.
Regarding sadness, Kessler advised against trying to shake it, encouraging individuals to 'feel it and be with it' to allow emotions to move through them, preventing the accumulation of half-felt feelings.