#1026 - Alison Armstrong - How to Treat Men Better

Key Takeaways

Relationships improve when women elicit better behavior by adopting new paradigms.
Men are driven by security, commitment, and a desire to impress and provide.
Women's perceived safety in relationships often stems from feeling pleased and cared for.
Effective communication requires women to articulate needs, not expect intuition or use 'shit tests'.
Emasculation diminishes a man's ability to produce results and is often unintentional.
Women's receptive and appreciative behavior fuels men's motivation and sense of usefulness.
Truthful communication, specific trust, and celebrating men's strengths are vital.

Men communicate preferences from a desire to please their partners.
Women often expect partners to intuit their needs and track preferences without explicit communication, leading to misinterpretations.
This dynamic can result in women feeling uncared for when their uncommunicated needs are not met.
The guest began studying men in 1991, noting her own past tendency to elicit their 'worst behavior'.

A man's genuine liking for a woman is a significant factor, potentially leading to a lifelong commitment if the relationship offers enough variety and exploration.
A framework for success includes compatibility of values and alignment of future goals.
When issues arise, it is crucial not to make the man the problem, emphasizing staying 'on the same team'.
Self-confidence, authenticity, passion, and sensuality/sexual energy are four charming qualities in women that attract men.

Women's focus on sexual attraction can exacerbate relationship difficulties with straight men.
Men seek women who are receptive to who they are and what they offer; however, both men and women are identified as poor receivers.
Appreciation is considered 'oxygen' for men, serving as their primary motivation.
Women appearing impressed, giddy, or appreciative towards their partners directly links to a man's motivation to impress and make her happy.

A conflict exists between men's need to feel needed and useful, and a modern environment that suggests men are optional.
Career women exhibiting hyper-independent, masculine energy may struggle to signal their need for support, leading men to believe they are not required.
Men tend to treat women based on how they have been treated, meaning initial independence can train men to stop offering support.
The challenge for women is reconciling a culture promoting self-reliance with men's fundamental need to feel impressive, admired, and useful.

The phrase 'women love to submit, you just have to be him' implies an impossible standard for men.
Women may expect men to be an 'omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent force,' which is unrealistic as men are 'only human'.
Scaling 'shit tests' from flirting throughout a relationship creates resentment and equates to blaming a partner for one's own shortcomings.
The host observes that women often desire a 'blanket trust,' expecting partners to fulfill all stated and unstated expectations without explicit agreement.

The concept of 'entitled' arises when a person believes they deserve something due to their role or status, such as a girlfriend deserving something from her boyfriend.
Some women articulate needs as justified and reasonable, while others suppress them or let them surface only as complaints.
Survey data indicates most women express their needs as entitled or deserved, leading to resentment when ignored needs cause negative outcomes.
A significant portion of men view having needs as weak or pathetic, paralleling characters like Superman who don't eat or sleep.

Marriage dynamics suggest men buy the 'whole package' upon commitment, accepting their partner as they are.
Women are portrayed as committing 'one acceptance at a time,' often attempting to change their partners over many years.
Emasculation is defined as the diminishment of a man's ability to produce results, rather than merely feeling bad.
Modern social dynamics, particularly how women interact with men after marriage, can contribute to feelings of emasculation if not managed with acceptance.

Interrupting a man's thinking process, such as rephrasing questions or offering options when he doesn't answer quickly, is a common emasculating behavior.
Criticizing a man can shift him from a 'provide' mode to a defensive 'protect' mode, leading to perceived negative traits like defensiveness.
Ignoring a man's existence by walking by him daily is cited as a common behavior causing men to withdraw or attack, interrupting his 'single focus'.
Women are encouraged to wait and count to 30 before speaking to counter the natural tendency for their brains to be in a constant state of interruption.
'Green emasculation' involves women withholding information, attention, affection, admiration, and accountability, leading men to seek even negative attention.

Women often overlook a partner's primary interests, emphasizing the importance of understanding what truly matters to him.
It is advised against making a man the absolute first priority, as his vast capacities could overwhelm the partner, leading to feelings of neediness and control.
Men's attractiveness is linked to comfort in one's skin, knowing one's direction, and enjoying the journey, as identified by Dr. Robert Glover's 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'.
The guest's late husband reportedly experienced exhilaration upon death, having been uncomfortable with his physical body.

Men often conceal happiness, which physically manifests in the chest and neck area, especially when receiving admiration, a subtle display women may not recognize.
Evolutionary psychology describes two mating strategies: benefit-affording, which deepens connections through positive actions, and cost-inflicting, used when there's a perceived disparity in mate value.
Cost-inflicting strategies manifest as control and passive aggression.
Male parental investment is influenced by female concealed ovulation and male uncertainty about paternity, leading to evolutionary adaptations like babies initially resembling their fathers.

If a woman's basic needs, such as safety or sleep, are not met, she cannot experience happiness, trapping her in a sympathetic nervous system response.
The guest suggests that 'bedtime bullshit,' elaborate routines women follow before sleep, can be excessive and create an orderly home environment that may act as a barrier to intimacy.
For a woman to experience happiness, she must first meet certain prerequisites.
Happiness, even in small amounts, is potent and can be contagious, likened to a 'moment of ecstasy' that can inspire men to action.

The 'me versus not me' reaction, similar to the immune system's function, influences human interactions and the formation of trust.
An overestimation of connection based on perceived similarities ('like me') can lead to disappointment when differences emerge in relationships.
Men tend to seek partners different from themselves, while women may strive to prove equality or superiority, a dynamic linked to societal trends.
Research suggests people are more prejudiced against different accents than different skin colors, theorizing this is due to more frequent ancestral encounters with those of similar appearance but varied speech.
This subconscious 'me not me' reaction drives tribalism, survival, and even the adoption of accents to fit in.